Men of America, hear this: Your beard is a privilege, not a right, and as such, it can be revoked at any time for any number of indiscretions, including goatee bleaching, hot-rod-flame sideburns, and anything else it seems like Guy Fieri might do. This holiday season, that also happens to mean ABSOLUTELY, CATEGORICALLY NO DECORATING OR SEASONALLY BEDAZZLING YOUR BEARD LEST YOU BE BANISHED TO THE ISLAND OF MISFIT IDIOTS WITH RUDOLPH’S DRUG-ADDICT SON. VIEWER DISCRETION FREAKING ADVISED.
Now, with the stress of the holiday season ahead and the chaos of Movember still looming in the rearview, it is not uncommon to see a swell in disturbing beard-related crime this time of year, but this? This is a collapse in the moral fabric of facial hair. This is a faint plunk off rock bottom echoing into the great yawning void of manhood. Be who you want. Love who you want. Root for who you want. But your beard is not a Christmas tree nor a Menorah nor a desperate cry for help. So save the $11.99 you were gonna spend on a Beardaments kit and use it to buy a bus ticket home. Sit down, have some tea, talk to your mother. Something tell us she’s probably worried about you.