Readers of a certain age — i.e. mine — may remember that when Jesse “The Body” Ventura was elected governor of Minnesota in 1998 it was a monster shock that more or less marked the end of the republic. Ventura was the destruction of political reality, the very idea that some former lady-boa-wearing pink-sunglasses-approving mustachioed spandexed cornball could actually run a state, a real live state, with factories and families in it. It was simple insanity. Ventura was suddenly an instant national celebrity outside of the world of sexless male teenagers; he was on the cover of Time. It was hard to process if you watched any wrestling at all (which I did), but most importantly it was EXCEEDINGLY UNUSUAL. Now, not even two lousy decades later, Ventura seems kind of adorable, since we can read headlines that say “Hulk Hogan Announces He’s Not Running for Senate” and fail to register them as anything much more than mildly curious.
Anyway — and in sad news for anyone who, like me, is officially on Team Sure Why the F–k Not at this point — the 64-year-old star of “No Holds Barred,” amateur electric guitarist, home video enthusiast and legendary champion of a sport that doesn’t exist announced that he would not be running for the Florida Senate in an interview with — ohoff–kingcourse — TMZ.
He’s arrived at this important decision despite being “constantly hounded” to run, according to the [Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/reliable-source/wp/2018/01/18/because-you-asked-hulk-hogan-isnt-running-for-senate-for-now/?utm_term=.b082be5bf758), and I think we all know he means the person constantly hounding him is Nikolai Volkoff. WE SEE YOU, VOLKOFF, WE KNOW YOUR DARK GAME. NOBODY STANDS IN AN AMERICAN RING AND SINGS THE RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM, YOU RED TRASH, oh man just wait Sgt. Slaughter is going to wipe the Iowa State Fair Coliseum Floor with you.
Anyway, in what by strict definition we are required to christen “an interview,” Hogan told TMZ founder Harvey Levin, “Brother, I don’t want to run, okay?”, which is incidentally exactly how George Washington initially phrased it. The interview was theoretically in response an article earlier this week in which former Trump adviser Roger Stone brought up the man at the center of a years-old scandal involving a sex tape with a friend’s wife who was fired by the WWE in 2015 for using racial slurs on tape as the potential Republican candidate for Senate in Florida. (He’s been scrubbed from WWE’s website and highly uninvited to participate in the 25th anniversary of WWE “Raw” on Monday night alongside Steve Austin, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, because Vince McMahon — VINCE MCMAHON, a guy who once introduced an African character named Akeem who was a 400-POUND WHITE MAN and gave him a manager named Slick whose intro music was LITERALLY TITLED ‘JIVE SOUL BRO’ is well more attuned to the evils of racism than the president of the United States, you know what, forget it, I’m just gonna eat some more Tide Pods.)
Hogan does use the occasion of the interview to make an excellent point: “At the end of the day, I’m just so confused because it’s like watching the politicians — the Democrats and the Republicans — it’s like nobody wants to work together,” said Hogan. RIGHT. I mean, remember when the MegaPowers were together and they were an unstoppable force but then Savage got jealous of Miss Elizabeth paying attention to Hogan and the whole thing exploded during a pay-per-view? Literal same thing.
“It’s like a wrestling match,” the racial slur-dropping sex-tape maker said by way of political commentary, “with two wrestlers that are supposed to work together and paint this beautiful wrestling picture. The Republicans and Democrats act like they hate each other and they don’t want to do anything except create chaos. So I really don’t want to be any part of that.” Listen, I watched wrestling, and I paid for live wrestling matches, but I don’t know that I ever considered a clash between Big John Studd and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine “beautiful.” Although there was a subtle, charming grace to the Bushwhackers I guess.
Hogan closed the (heaviest sigh ever) interview, with a very logical point, saying that after seeing what Ventura did and internalizing Trump’s fan base, “I got a feeling it wouldn’t be that hard.” I disagree — it would be a SWEET BEAUTIFUL WALK IN THE PARK to get elected, Hulk Hogan in Florida, are you kidding me, I’m a little worried that even mentioning the phrase makes it somehow legal by Florida law. Nah, the electing would be NO PROBLEM AT ALL. The governing: Brother, I don’t want to watch, okay?