On September 12, Apple is expected to announce its 10th-anniversary iPhone 8 (or “iPhone X,” depending on which anonymous French technology-leak blog you believe). And, like every iPhone announcement over the past 10 years, this one comes with months of pre-release hype, the subject of epic advance buildup that’s basically the nerd-world version of McGregor v. Mayweather, only with fewer belly tattoos. As such, a full and largely-accurate recap of all the current iPhone 8 rumors:
–50 things you used to like will now be gone.
–New “virtual home button” will float next to your device in midair.
–Will be unlocked via your face, or a picture of your face, or a picture of any close relative, or in my case pretty much any Jeff Goldblum GIF.__
–More memory for taking hundreds of consecutive pictures of your feet on a beach.
–Birds now 40% angrier.
–Will feature magnetic-induction charging, which means your minivan will now need to contain at least three separate ways to charge an Apple device.__
–Sleeker design makes it easier to shatter on the concrete pool deck.
–New camera sensor will enable better depth detection and allow more accurate autofocus, which is real good news for a device many people use to take shitty pictures at concerts.
–Increased resolution retina display make Twitter look 30% stupider.
–Facebook videos will be auto-ignored, saving you the trouble of doing so yourself.
–Waterproof casing means it’ll last slightly longer when your toddler drops it in the toilet.
–Flash now works from 2,000 yards away. HA! Just kidding, no it doesn’t but keep trying at basketball games, idiots.__
–Siri, like your real friends, gets audibly bored with you.
–Has it been a few years since they pointlessly redesigned the Music app? So yeah they’ll probably do that again.
–Features an OLED display, which will be great once you figure out what that is.
–Using three-finger gestures on the screen will make it do some utterly random shit you absolutely did not mean it to do.
–There’s some extra tiny cord you need now.
–Will include several new augmented-reality capabilities, to help you further escape your unmanageable real one.__