At long last, after a wild free-agent sundae topped with a geopolitical cherry bomb, the NBA is back! On Tuesday night, banners were raised, Kings fells, and bragging rights were firmly established. And no, we're not talking about Clippers-Lakers. We're talking about what happened just outside Staples Center, when the NBA on TNT crew kicked off another season of shit-talking and general absurdity by welcoming their newest co-worker Dwayne Wade to the fold. Not ones to let another human being's moment get in the way of their hot-air balloon egos, however, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal used the appearance of Shaq's former teammate to make it all about them, reigniting their eons-old war of words in hilarious fashion. Take it away you stupid, lovable idiots.
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Seemingly without context, while four adults were talking about something completely different on live television, Charles Barkley leans back, gestures to D-Wade, and shouts the following question to his old pal across the table: "You want him to carry you to another championship?"
"It don't matter, It don't matter," Shaq stammers as the pro-Lakers crowd falls into a hushed silence, but clearly it does. Cleary it matters a lot.
It matters because Chuck is now officially 1-0 on the season and off to hot start in the Chuck v. Shaq Cup. Never mind the fact NO ONE ever carried Chuck to a championship because CHUCK NEVER WON A CHAMPIONSHIP. If you've been paying attention to this rivalry through years, you already know that facts aren't currency here. Only personal attacks and threats of physical violence score points in this knockdown, drag-out battle for king doofus.
Where Wade ultimately fits into that equation remains to be, but he would be wise to take a page out of Ernie and Kenny's book, and stay way the hell out of it.