It's Independence Day, America. A time to reflect on our forefathers, freedoms, and, more importantly, golf. Just take a trip to down to the local muni this weekend, and you'll see what exactly we mean, with droves of golf-loving Yanks descending on tee boxes from Portland to Portland to enjoy America's Other Pastime and probably escape their screaming families too (America's Other Other Pastime). But with the holiday comes a whole new set of rules of regulations to observe in order to not only keep the country club powers-that-be happy, but also those down on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. So without further ado, we present America's first-ever Fourth of July Golf Constitution to help guide your game from amber waves of grain to purple mountain majesties and everywhere in between.
Do: Use a souped up non-conforming driver to celebrate your God-given right to bear arms
Don’t: Blast “Party in the U.S.A.” at full blast on your bluetooth speaker when in earshot of surrounding groups
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Do: Threaten to secede from your club because you don’t like the elimination of the caddie program (repeat for a variety of trivial issues every six to seven months)
Don’t: Be afraid to wear a red, white, and blue outfit that clashes horribly and may or may not have caused an accident on the way to the course in the name of America
FacebookPinterestDon’t: Be afraid to break the 18th Amendment (prohibition) to uphold the 21st (the repeal of prohibition)
Do: Exercise your right to protest the new pin position on 12
Don’t: Forget to use your First Amendment rights to scream at the slow group in front you taking Instagram selfies with the ball washer
FacebookPinterestDo: Cap your tyrant club president to two terms
Don't: Import any foreign liquids in your bag. High Life, on the other hand, is encouraged
FacebookPinterestDo: Embrace capitalism by betting on every single four-footer
Don't: Invest in that Pro-V1. There’s water right on eight and trees left on seven
Do: Shout “FAKE NEWS” at the top of your lungs when you’re buddy says that 80 was really more like an 84